EVAN: I have a dream. That one day this blog will rise up and establish a regular schedule. From that point on each weekday will have its own writer, and all five will be equal. Today, friends, we grow one step closer to that dream becoming a reality.
Joining us officially as of this week is Stew, who both Gordon and I attended college with. He’s also left a grand total of 47 comments on this blog, so you know he is a person with thoughts to share and things to say. Honestly, I could go on, so let’s just start things off already.
Similar to our introduction of Kat two years ago [has it really been that long?] each of the CWR regulars will be asking Stew four questions apiece, ending with the chance for him to throw a couple of his own at each of us. Considering that she knows him the least well, and not for any chivalrous reasons…
KAT: My first question for you is, what makes you want to write for the blog?
EVAN: Wow, Kat, way to take my first question. And now I regret my decision.
STEW: Too slow, Evan.
KAT: Sorry, but you guys wanted me to go first, so…
STEW: Well, I’ve been a pretty avid reader of CWR since it first started. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the diversity of topics that you guys cover. But I’ve been harassing Evan to cover more science-y topics for ages now, and apparently this is the best way to make that happen.
EVAN: Favourite Lovecraft-themed alcoholic beverage?
STEW: Narragansett Lovecraft Honey Ale, both because it is delicious, and because I don’t think anything else fits the category.
GORDON: Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist Party?
STEW: Nah, I love sitting on the fence.
KAT: Would you consider yourself a feminist and/or feminist ally?
STEW: Absolutely!
KAT: I feel a little bit like we are browbeating you right now, haha.
EVAN: If his brow makes it out in one piece we will have failed in our mission.
STEW: Generally, brows should be in two pieces anyway. Mine is no exception.
EVAN: As a scientist, where did the creators of Jurassic Park go wrong?
STEW: Too few feathers.
EVAN: No, I meant in terms of all their tourists getting eaten.
STEW: They catered to tourists. This is what happens when you cater to tourists.
Dinosaur food.
GORDON: What is the exact dollar amount it would take to get you to strip naked in public and run around yelling “Cthulu Fhtagn?”
STEW: Ask not what the exact dollar amount is, ask instead how much Lovecraft Honey Ale need I consume?
KAT: What has been the most life-changing book(s) you have read?
STEW: Tough question! But my stand-by answer has always been All Quiet on the Western Front.
KAT: Good choice… judging by the Wikipedia synopsis.
EVAN: Animated significant other of choice?
STEW: Marceline the Vampire Queen. Hands down.
EVAN: She’s a child, you pervert.
STEW: She’s over 1,000 years old!
Pictured: A “thousand-year-old” girl.
GORDON: If you had to choose one of us to to battle to the death, who would it be and what weapons would be assigned?
STEW: Um…
KAT: You should probably keep in mind that I have magical powers.
GORDON: This is true.
KAT: So…. you should probably choose Evan or Gordan…
STEW: I would obviously pick Gordan, I don’t even know the man.
I like to imagine that he has no limbs, so the choice of weapons becomes a non-issue.
GORDON: Dude bites like a starved weasel though.
EVAN: So . . . Armless Tiger Man?
STEW: Oh god what have I done…
KAT: Since I’m the only one who hasn’t actually met you in real life, I would like to get an idea of what you are like. So my last question is, what do you do for a living, and (if that is not your ideal career) what would your dream career be?
Even thought that question feeds into the idea that your career defines who you are… I still want to know.
STEW: I’m currently a PhD student in wildlife conservation and management, and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I have, on occasion, loved the rush of power one feels when administering and grading exams in the classroom, though.
KAT: Who hasn’t? It’s basically equivalent to being president of the world.
STEW: With unlimited executive orders. And Microsoft Powerpoint.
EVAN: How much do you weigh?
STEW: Four.
KAT: Stones?
STEW: No units. Just four.
GORDON: Am I pretty?
STEW: You are magnificent. A veritable antelope of a human being.
Since the readers probably know you guys fairly well by now, my questions may be a bit less personal, here, maybe more thought-provoking…
So Kat, what was your best dumpster diving haul ever?
KAT: Oh man. That’s a tough one. Probably the time we got over 30 containers of Greek yogurt, a couple full untouched bags of potatoes and onions and a box full of corn on the cob. Not sure though. Might have been the time we brought home 4 boxes of bananas… we really love banana chips. Either way, 9 times out of 10 it’s a pretty great haul.
STEW: Now I’m hungry.
KAT: You should see if there are any unlocked dumpsters in your area.
STEW: It’s definitely on my to-do list!
Evan: based on your experience, in North America, which ethnic group would you say is least aware of/concerned with environmental issues?
EVAN: I know which one it isn’t!
I can’t believe we used this gif in a post literally last week.
I’d probably say one of the East Asian ones, though, judging by how many of them act back in their home countries.
STEW: Stay tuned on that one, I’d really like to address it in the near future. Gordon: if you could be the host of one game show, which would it be?
GORDON: The Bachelor.
KAT: Haha. I would watch that.
STEW: Okay, final round. Kat: what would you consider the biggest environmental issue of our time?
KAT: That’s a pretty big question.
STEW: I’m assuming your answer isn’t Republicans, then.
KAT: Definitely not.
EVAN: Hey, Republicans are big!
Sorry, Chris Christie.
KAT: I guess climate change is the easy answer. I’m no scientist, so I can’t speak to the specifics. All I really know is how frustrating it is to see vulnerable communities affected by the way we treat our planet.
STEW: An excellent answer! Can’t wait to talk about climate change on here, too.
Gordon: which world religion do you think is most compatible with modern science? Just off the top of your head.
GORDON: …I don’t know that a determination can be made like that. It’s a “No true Scotsman” dilemma.
STEW: Break protocol and tell me what no true Scotsman would do.
GORDON: Deism. Based on the cosmological argument.
STEW: Fair.
Okay, last, and perhaps, most critical-
This one’s for Evan, and Evan, I’m gonna have to ask that you keep it 100, or it may result in the delivery of some weak tea.
If, by fundamentally altering Gordon’s genetic code, you could make him love listening to Taylor Swift, would you do it?
EVAN: Yes.
There is absolutely no question I would do it. I wouldn’t even stop there, I would perform the procedure on everyone. She would become like a goddess among us.
STEW: No longer would the haters hate, hate, hate?
GORDON: You monster. You history’s-greatest-monster.
STEW: That label might actually apply here.
EVAN: What turned out to be an actual Simpsons reference aside [who knew?] that wraps up our very brief welcome post to Stew, who will be posting weekly updates on Thursdays. You should definitely read his first ever post on this blog, and check out his bio if you’d like to find out anymore about him. It’s a new era for Culture War Reporters, bigger and better [and more scientific] things are ahead of us.
